


The Vows

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pining, Prompt Fic, Slow Burn, wedding fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-01-16 18:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18526723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: Adam and Kim's wedding is coming up, forcing Jay and Hailey to come to terms with a truth they've been avoiding forever, as they attend the party as friends.Everything changes by the end of the night when it's time for the vows.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt by @thenameismaynard on Tumblr: "it's been a couple of years since hailie and adam stopped their brief hooking up, ruzek is back with burgess and they are getting married, so the unit attends the small party and hailie and jay attend as friends but sparks fly (mainly wedding shenanigans where both of them look at each other and both go "oh")
> 
> Dedicated to this lovely person above. I loved the idea so much that I'm turning it into more than just a one-shot, but a fully-fledged, multi-chapter story. Buckle up, Upstead fam and I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I did writing it. :)

Jay checked his wrist watch impatiently for the millionth time – it was _almost_ time to go home but, for some unknown reason, every last bit of this work day was passing by agonizingly slow, torturing him.

As luck would have it, he still had a mountain of meaningless paperwork to fill out and complaining wasn't going to make it go away any faster. He knew that, if he was on his best behavior, soon enough he could clock out and crash so he decided to do just that, as much as he would've loved to keep bitching about it. Truth be told, he was rather cranky, but only because he hadn’t slept in forever.

Between his own share of taunting, incessive thoughts involving a particular blonde co-worker and helping Ruzek and Burgess with the wedding preparations, shut eye had graciously evaded him.

His bloodshot gaze could hardly stand the blinding light of his computer screen anymore. He let out another involuntary yawn, catching Hailey’s frame out of the corner of his eye as he did – it was something his glances tended to do a lot of lately, follow her around like a magnet. No notice, no warning.

He wasn’t even aware he was doing it half the time, not until it was too late to take it back or pretend like it was all an accident or a strange coincidence. He sincerely hoped Hailey didn’t notice a thing or, God forbid, think he was the resident weirdo dropping by from Creep-town to disturb her peace and quiet. She surely didn’t act like it so maybe his worries were unfounded and a tad ridiculous. Maybe it was all in his head.

After all, it _was_ a cluttered mess up there. If only someone _else_ could do the spring cleaning.

Hailey was tapping a pencil to her lips restlessly and rhythmically..the same lips he was trying _really_ hard not to look at or think of. Before he could even process his not so subtle stare, the blonde made eye contact with him and shot a brief smile his way. Thankfully, that smile only betrayed mild amusement mixed with compassion for his disheveled state of being, no hint that she knew anything of his earlier self-reflection.

Not a second later, she stretched in her seat in an attempt to chase her own share of fatigue, before urging her uneager body to move.

„Going for a coffee run, anyone need anything?” – she announced around the office.

Burgess was the first to react, lifting an enthusiastic hand in the air, her brown eyes betraying equal parts fatigue and boredom, followed by an absent nod from Atwater, lost in his own share of paperwork.

„The usual for me. Thanks, Hailey, you’re an angel.” – Burgees added, appreciatively, beaming at her blonde co-worker.

„Hey, already forgot who you’re supposed to be marrying, Ms. Ruzek?” – Adam intervened, sending a bashful, boyish grin in Kim’s direction, before wrapping his arms lovingly around her waist from behind and kissing her on the cheek. They really couldn’t tone down the PDA lately, not that it seemed to bother anyone  – after all, they were practically newly-weds already.

That, and it had to be admitted that they were pretty inspiring to anyone who knew of their history and how many obstacles they had to overcome to get here. They reminded the onlookers of Romeo and Juliet, without _some_ of the tragedy – Intelligence Unit Edition, of course.

If you’d ask Jay, their only tragedy was wasting so much time chasing the wrong people and not getting their act together. He didn’t want to admit how much he was relating to that particular course of action as well.

„Sorry, Adam, can’t help it, I’m a knockout for both genders.” – Hailey responded in faux self-confidence, smirking at the blissfully happy couple, unaware of the pointed, focused look Jay gave her. Adam replied in his characteristic way - with a raised eyebrow, as Kim lightly punched him in the shoulder to stop _whatever_ witty comeback he probably had lingering on his lips.

Hailey wouldn’t admit it in a million years, but the picture before her made her heart _ache_. She wouldn’t say that there was a part, however small, guarded and carefully locked away in her that _ached_  for at least a tenth of what Adam and Kim had.

Between seeing only the darkest parts of the world in her line of duty and being raised by an abuser, she hadn’t allowed herself the chance to even dream of love, real love. She was pretty sure it didn’t even exist outside of cheesy, unrealistic movies – that’s why she only did casual and detached these days. It was the only way she’d keep herself from falling apart, the only way she’d drown the last remains of that part of her who dared to wish, even _yearn_ for the opposite.

Contemplating the picture before her a minute too long, she exhaled, heavily, hoping no one picked up on it.

She heard the rumors, knew about her friends' on-and-off relationship but it still came as a bit of a surprise to her that they eventually got their act together and decided to take the next step. A welcome surprise, nonetheless.

Part of her always knew- she couldn’t help but notice all the ways Adam looked at Kim, even when they were together, all the ways he’s _never_ looked at her, no matter how much she _knows_ he tried. It was a look she recognized and understood fairly well because she wore it around somebody else, too.

Now, more than ever, she was _acutely_ aware of it.

In the end, Hailey and Adam’s break-up had been mutual, no bad blood between them, just support and understanding – she was actually delighted for that because, in the process, she had gained a valuable friend in Adam. They also teased each other like brother and sister now – it was a welcome change in their dynamic, one she needed. Her experience in the family department had hardly been stellar, she had a lot of catching up to do.

„I’m coming with you, Hailey. I can’t stand this stupid screen anymore.” – Jay announced all of a sudden, as all eyes in the room focused on him.

It was a lame excuse that he hoped no one would read too much into. But there was also _some_ truth to his proposal - he needed the caffeine like air. That, along with a chance to talk to Hailey alone, away from prying eyes. He had an important question to ask her and rapidly running out of time to do it.

Sky blue orbs clashed across the room tentatively, as Jay absentmindedly grabbed his jacket and the pair made its way to their squad car.

„So...you look like a zombie.” – Hailey remarked, teasingly once inside, barely maintaining a serious expression when Jay pouted, like a child, feigning hurt feelings, before starting the engine. „How long’s it been since you last slept?” – she added, a hint of worry taking over her voice, unannounced.

„Thanks.” – he smiled, not even trying to mask the evident sarcasm in his voice. „Don’t know, to be honest. Can’t remember.”

„Best man duties?” – she asked in an understanding tone, her deductive capabilities on point.

As always. She never ceased to read him like an open book.

„That...”– he began, hesitantly. „And I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” – he added, a faraway air surrounding him out of nowhere, like he was going _somewhere_ inside his mind, a place only he knew of, no visitors allowed.

He blinked once or twice in a futile effort to chase the sleep threatening to claim him for good away, before he unconsciously gripped the steering wheel just a little bit tighter.

He had no idea he was even doing it but his gesture wasn’t lost on Hailey.

„Anything I can help out with?” – she asked, as gently and undemanding as possible, not wanting to pressure Jay in any way. She knew better than to even try. „No pressure. But I’m around if you need anything.” – she added quickly, voicing her previous thought.

In response, Jay briefly turned her away, wearing an exhausted, but equally genuine and reassuring smile. If she were to be completely truthful, there was no excuse for the familiar shiver that ran from her heart down to her entire body as he did.

But she wasn’t honest. Not about this, never had been. She wasn’t brave either – her only shred of bravery was reserved solely for the line of duty.

„Thanks, Hailey.”

So, she smiled back, weakly, almost pitifully, knowing _that_ was the end of the conversation. She didn’t want to pry any longer, instead settling for remaining quiet for the rest of the trip. Thankfully, it was a short drive to the nearby coffee shop, located just a few blocks from the district.

Jay offered to buy the coffees himself, not before making sure he got _her_ order right, like it was of utmost importance. She was more touched by the fact that he remembered it to a T and that he even bothered to ask again, just to make sure, than she felt ready to acknowledge in a million years.

_You’re never late._

Those little things that Jay remembered about her that no one else did made her chest clench for reasons she was tired of making excuses for. But somehow, after all this time, she still had it in her to _try_. Denial was her most trusted shield and it wasn’t coming off anytime soon. That didn’t mean he didn’t chip at her layers with every seemingly insignificant thing he did.

„Black, two sugars, right?” – he asked, thoughtful as always and she nodded, absentmindedly, evading his gaze. It was ridiculous, he wasn’t even in her head, but, in that split second, she could swear he could _hear_  every word.

If he noticed her acting strangely, he didn’t say anything and she was grateful for that.

She waited in the car for what felt like an eternity, feeling the small space suddenly suffocate her. Jay couldn’t have been gone for longer than 5 minutes but she was so lost in her own head that every second felt like a lifetime. She only reacted when he opened the door, a lot more cautiously than she expected and handed her a steaming cup of coffee, the pleasant aroma filling her nostrills, temporarily calming her and bringing her numb senses back to life.

„Thank you.” – was all she could bring herself to say.

Her voice came too heavy and pointed for her to be talking about _just_ coffee.

She took a massive gulp, despite the scorching hot temperature of her beverage, like she needed to drown _whatever_ she had going on mentally in a physical manner too. She had a knot in her throat she couldn’t shake and, unfortunately for her, not even melting lava hot caffeine seemed to do the trick. That familiar knot always came up for air when she was around Jay.

„You okay, Hailey?” – he asked, eventually sensing her inner turmoil.

She wrapped her hands tighter around her cup, letting out a whispered _„Yeah”_ and gazing far ahead, followed by a few moments of tension-filled silence. Jay knew better than to pry when his partner closed herself off like that. So, he decided to change the subject, hoping to cheer her up, even if just a little.

„Can you believe Ruzek wanted to wear peach on his wedding day? Unironically?” – he joked, forcing a vibrant, convincing grin in spite of himself.

A sincere, angelic laughter followed and the sudden warmth in his chest couldn’t have been caused solely by the much needed shot of caffeine he just savored.

„Please tell me you talked him out of it.” – she answered back, echoing the same amusement found in Jay’s earlier statement.

Her partner's smile only stretched more on his handsome face and Hailey wanted to curse herself right there for the sudden bizarre weakness taking over her knees.

„Of course. Burgess would kill me if I didn’t.”

„Yeah...and we don’t want a runaway bride situation, right?” – she added, playfully.

„Definitely not.”

Their familiar, easy banter was soon followed by another moment of silence. Least this time around it held none of the tension from earlier. It was comforting, inviting even. Noticing that Jay hadn’t started the engine yet, Hailey was on the verge of questioning him about it, when he spoke, much too soon and in a voice that sounded foreign to her – hesitant, nervous.

It just felt like the right moment to ask.

„Hey, Hailey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something...” – he began, uncertainly, like he was testing the waters. He was a grown man but, for some reason, he felt anxious, like he was back in the days of his senior prom, wracking his brain in search of the perfect way to ask his crush out.

The reason for that sudden nervousness in his chest was on his list of things he tried _so hard_ not to think about. Coincidentally, what kept him up at night was coming out to play during the daylight too.

.„Adam wanted to know earlier if I had a plus-one for the wedding and I don’t. He said you didn’t either so..I thought maybe we could go together? As friends. Only if you want to---”

She thought she’d seen (and loved) every shade of Jay Halstead before – focused, angry, tortured, hurt, happy, supportive, teasing...but she’s never known him to be _nervous_. The sight took her aback, as she momentarily paused to regain her composure.

It also made her smile brighter than the sun - not that she could help her lips curving upwards around him anyways.

„Sure, okay.” – she answered, going for detached neutral, but failing to mask a subtle streak of enthusiasm that slipped into her voice.

There was no one else she wanted to do this with more than him, not that she’d ever say it to his face, of course. She was too much of a coward for that. Her entire life had been nothing more than a rollercoaster sequence of missed chances with the people she loved – another reason why she did casual. No heartache, no risks.

She couldn’t silence that nagging voice in her head pointing out that Jay Halstead was anything _but_ casual, light or breezy to her.

He was _everything_ and it killed her to be so painfully aware of it now, every second of every day. But, with her last breath, she _could_ pretend. Her determination and drive would've been admirable traits, in any other context, if she wasn't using them to maintain a cracking facade.

What could go wrong, after all? This didn’t have to be a thing or a big deal. They’d just hang out as friends, partners, co-workers, enjoy some casual drinks and maybe a dorky dance whilst sharing the joy of the happy couple’s special day. She could do that, no problem.

She could dismiss the butterflies, the nerves, the anxiety and the jitters and keep it together.

Piece of wedding cake. She’s had tons of practice.

„Alright, great.” – he sealed the deal, the subtle hint of excited energy in his voice a stark contrast to his tired outer visage.. „I’ll pick you up tomorrow, before the ceremony.”

_It’s a date._

...is what he really wanted to say.

Instead, he settled for silence and another smile Hailey halfway reciprocated, before staring out the window like it was the most fascinating sight in the world. On the drive back to the precinct, they both stole fugitive, charged glances of each other’s profile, unaware of their own actions.

Neither would say it but they were equally excited and downright terrified of what tomorrow would bring.

Only time would tell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My early Easter gift for you, guys. :) Enjoy and thank you for the warm welcome to this lovely fandom. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.

Jay rolled over onto his side, yawning and stretching peacefully like a lazy cat, a far cry from the image most people came to associate with him – tough, imposing, concrete structure, both inside and out. However, that outer layer of fabricated wholeness and perfection that he gracefully presented the world with was only half of a much uglier truth.

Lately, his only share of comfort came to greet him in his dreams – when they weren’t filled with haunting, gruesome visions of a battlefield he has long since deserted, that is. Nonetheless, the battlefield hasn’t left him and, on most nights aside from the previous one, the painful reminders and the trauma were enough to keep him lying awake, panting and weeping with a heavy heart few people knew of.

One of them was coincidentally the same woman whose blonde locks and warm sky-blue eyes chased his demons away too many times to count in the past, one comforting word at a time, the same woman who haunted him at night, but in a vastly different way. Because of her, his recent dreams had begun to depict another kind of battlefield – one he could manage a  _little_  better. Least he hoped so. He tried, he put in the work, even the extra hours for that purpose.

Jay ran a hand through his disheveled hair, enjoying the remains of that much deserved, long awaited rest and an equally pleasant dream he would have loved to continue. It might also be following his every waking movement now, the echoes ringing loudly in his head, but he wasn’t about to put up any resistance.

He finally slept after a million years - thank all the Gods above for that or he could have seriously snapped at someone. _That_ wouldn’t have been appropriate best man behavior in the slightest and drama really wasn’t on today’s agenda.

To add to those good news, some very interesting ideas about the day before him materialized in moving sequences as he slept as well. Very enjoyable sequences. He had a newfound clarity and he was actually excited for what the following hours would have in store for him.

Jay wanted every minute of this wedding to be special, not just for his long-time friends and co-workers, hell, maybe even family - Adam and Kim, who finally got their act together but for Hailey too. He couldn’t answer why exactly if he was asked, just knew, with utmost certainty, that he longed to do something  _nice_  for her.

She deserved it more than anyone else. 

He was a CPD detective, he was trained not to ignore clues and his perceptive self never let him down in the past. His deductive capabilities rarely failed and he could tell she’s been out of it just as much as him for the past weeks. The reasons why were still a mystery but Jay Halstead had learned empathy long before even wanting to become a soldier to fight for his country or a cop to protect others.

He saw it. Even when no one else did, even when everyone around him seemed to buy into her strained smiles that didn’t quite reach her eyes or her hollow reassurance or a tone of voice aiming for certainty yet delivering small cracks threatening to expose a much greater façade.

She wasn’t okay. He knew it better than anyone else because he recognized the signs better than anyone else – it felt like looking into a mirror. He hated seeing, even acknowledging that same broken visage he knew of so vividly as a part of her now – it just wasn’t right, wasn’t natural.

It didn’t belong on her. _Happy_ belonged on her – it was long overdue after the kind of life she had, after being kidnapped on the job, battled and bruised too many times to count in the past, sometimes even by his wicked, poisonous words.

_I’m sorry my heart doesn’t bleed like yours._

_Whatever daddy issues got you so screwed up._

After enduring so much physical and emotional pain, she deserved at least _one_ day where someone cared enough to make her feel like a princess. He doubted anyone else even got close enough to try but he was crazier than the average bunch.

He was crazy about _her_. And dear God, if that didn't make him notice _everything._

The lingering sadness in her blue orbs as she stared at Adam and Kim from afar, blended with just a glimmer of longing, her hesitation to talk about weddings or love or floral arrangements or music or any cliché, romantic girly stuff most other women would gush on about endlessly – he couldn’t have missed any of it even if he wanted to.

But she wasn't like other women, in so many ways. For starters, she was a lot more wounded and tortured than most.

Likewise, Jay couldn’t have missed the sound of his own heart breaking as he witnessed everything firsthand, feeling helpless to it all because it wasn’t his right to say or do anything or even push her to open up, despite wanting so badly to just _help_. He wanted to silence his own taunting voice that screamed:

_Maybe she just wasn’t over Adam. Even after all this time._

Maybe it was hard for her to see him move on when she apparently hasn’t. Or couldn’t.

Even if that was  _still_ the gruesome case, even if it stung with the same ferocity years later, much like the early days of Adam and Hailey’s ancient history relationship, he would do everything in his power to make the blonde forget about it, even if just temporarily – cheer her up, be a friend, be a partner, be  _whatever_  she needed.

If she let him, he’d be everything she wanted. Even if just for one night.

Which was why the same Jay Halstead, a man rarely known as a planner under normal circumstances, left no detail to chance, from his outfit to how he envisioned the rest of the day and night going. He didn’t want to feel like senior prom all over again but everything about today filled his heart and body with the same anxious, nervous anticipation as then.

He’s been in Afganistan and he didn’t remember being half as scared as he was now.

Embarrassing admission for a grown man, a police officer, a former soldier, among others. But even not saying it out loud didn’t make it any less true. 

Because a small,  _very_ small part of him secretly hoped, prayed, maybe even privately planned on telling Hailey everything he’s wanted to say for years, everything she deserved to hear from him a million times over in the past but he was too much of a coward to give to her.

Every bone in his body urged him to do it  _today_ or he never would, to stop postponing, to stop keeping it quiet and carefully locked away, allowing every unspoken word to scream loud in his head, torturing him.

He couldn’t let Hailey be the one that got away. Not again. Not after Erin. Not when he thought, maybe even swore that he’d never feel that way for another woman ever again or let his guard down like that around anyone.

Hailey took all of his rules and threw them out the window, one firm move at a time.

Hailey crept into every corner of his soul with an almost practiced ease – even when she didn’t say a word, instead settling for being in his presence and offering unspoken support as if _that_ was enough for her, as if _that_ was precisely what she needed from him and nothing else – to let her in.

Hailey chipped away at his every carefully constructed layer, saw the best and the worst in him and never got spooked or walked away or thought he was too much to handle.

And he let her.

Maybe that was the reason why every detail lingered so heavy in the back of his mind, clawing at him to get it right. Yet, the doubtful, insecure part of him begged to differ all the same, almost overpowering the voice of reason, arguing that none of this was fair, that he should just forget about it, lock it away for good and throw the key.

Hailey had enough on her plate.

He didn’t want to mess her up any further, even if all he really wanted was to give her _everything_. One side had to win the war – he had enough experience on the battlefield to know that simple truth. Which one was the only question, the only mystery he was still on his way to solving, one clue at a time. He always had the lead, he just needed to work the case.

Before he could contemplate upon his conflicting thoughts any longer, his growling stomach sprung him into action and effectively forced him to get his still achy bones out of his bed. Begrudgingly and still half-asleep, he spent the rest of his morning hours enjoying a strong coffee and a hearty breakfast – just not too hearty, he still had a tux to fit in.

He decided to go for the unshaven, but polished look at the same time – Kim teased him about his quote unquote sexy beard that would make all single women fall over themselves, if he were to present that way to her wedding. Kim had to be a tad biased on that subject since her soon-to-be husband was the embodiment of the phrase  _“bearded, gruff, mystery bad boy”_  or whatever cliché some women were apparently really into.

Nonetheless, maybe there was  _something_  he could use there, hidden just beneath the surface, coated in silly, light-hearted teasing.

He didn’t want to admit that perhaps he took Kim's advice to heart because he hoped Hailey would like his unshaven look. She  _had_  fallen for Adam before..right?

What was he even doing, trying to emulate Ruzek? Of all people? 

He sighed, as the heaviest puff of air left his chest. He ran a hand through his short hair, every gesture and expression he probably wore screaming frustration.

He was stooping really low, he remarked in his head bitterly, a bit amused and slightly self-depreciating at the same time, dropping his coffee cup on the kitchen table, a bit louder than he intended.  No harm meant to Ruzek – he had grown into quite an admirable man from the irresponsible, reckless player and brash police officer he knew of before.

But it wasn’t _like_ Jay to compare himself to other men when trying to win someone over. And he was doing it now, apparently losing.

By this point, he knew he had to start getting ready for real or he’ll over-think himself into oblivion. Aiming to achieve just that, feeling the clock ticking against him, Jay spent the rest of his day preparing - mentally and physically - for what was about to come.

The routine he stuck to religiously started with showering then styling his hair just a little, checking on his black tuxedo for the millionth time to make sure it was ironed to perfection, ending in hopeless attempts at calming down his ragged breathing each step of the way.

His efforts were futile - he pictured Hailey in a million outfits and each of them took his breath away. That had to be the reason why he couldn’t get that damn knot right for his stupid tie. Why did he insist on wearing that thing, again?

Oh, right. Like everything this new, organized version of Jay Halstead did, even that small, seemingly random detail had a purpose. A noble, heartwarming purpose.

Taking his task of giving Hailey a day she’d remember very seriously, Jay had planned on completing his black tux with a simple, fitted formal white shirt and an elegant, light peach tie.

He could tease Ruzek about it all day long but he never said  _anything_  about not wearing peach himself. Hailey should love that – if it brought even the slightest trace of a smile on her face, he’d deal with the irony and verbal punches, no complaints. Plus, he could pull that look better than Ruz in his sleep.

By now, it was almost time to pick Hailey up. Despite it still being rather early, he decided to leave the house and drive nonetheless, slowly, hoping it would calm his nerves even a little. His clammy hands on the steering wheel begged to differ.

He really did feel like a teenager. If this wasn’t happening to him, he’d tease the hell out of that poor sucker tormenting himself right now. As he knocked on Hailey’s door, hesitantly, clutching the bouquet of white roses a little too close to his chest, he mentally prepared himself to see her.

But whatever pep talk he had in mind that he might have also rehearsed unconsciously on his way here couldn’t have prepared him for..

_That._

“Oh, hey Jay, you’re early.” – a chirpy Hailey greeted him at the door, stopping him dead in his tracks and knocking every last bit of air in his lungs on the spot. “I woke up like this, by the way.” – she pointed to herself, feigning arrogance yet still coming across as self-conscious.

He would have laughed at her attempt at teasing and lifting the unspoken tension suddenly lingering in the air and on every corner, had he owned a functional voice. His throat unexpectedly felt like sandpaper – if Hailey noticed him gawking like an idiot or failing to reply, she didn’t say a thing.

“You look…” – she paused, gathering her thoughts like she suddenly had too many all at once, fighting for dominance, and he could have sworn he saw a touch of _something_ in her eyes, as her gaze more or less subtly scanned him from head to toe. “Human. Can’t pull the zombie look, sorry. Come on in.” – the blonde offered, faltering just a little and making enough space for her partner to pass her by and walk in.

Jay barely nodded to all of the above, still staring, almost enchanted. He couldn’t help it. And maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the only one this time around.

Because, as he made his way inside, their arms brushed just a little and that jolt of electricity almost made Hailey forget her own name or even that she was on the verge of saying something, yet again. She had to talk to fill the silence or it would drive her crazy with everything she _still_ couldn’t speak of – longing, want, an _ache_ stronger than she ever remembered feeling for anyone else.

So, she did just that. She cleared her throat, awkwardly, urging the choked words to come out, before speaking again, much too quickly, allowing a hint of nervousness and sheer honesty to slip past her lips. No trace of humor, just gratitude this time around.

“You shouldn’t have, honestly. They’re beautiful, Jay, thanks.” – she gushed, appreciatively, taking the flowers her partner so thoughtfully brought from his slightly shaky grasp, putting them in a vase on her kitchen counter.

She apparently missed the obvious way a certain pair of eyes traced her every movement – or maybe didn’t but chose to keep quiet about it. Jay really hoped for the former.

He really wanted to smack himself over the head once more – maybe spending a little more time practicing self-control and subtlety and less choosing that goddamn tie would’ve been a wiser course of action.

Another brush of hands ensued but, this time, Hailey maintained her composure and just smiled, as a cheeky grin greeted her back.

_You’re beautiful._

…is what he really wanted to say.

“No need to thank me. And you clean up pretty nice yourself, Robbery Homicide.”

Instead, the first words that flew out of his mouth were the complete opposite of that. All he could go for on impulse was banter, like a security blanket. He was acting like a mean boy who pulled on the pretty girl’s pigtails because he liked her instead of the goddamn grown up he was supposed to be.

“It’s Intelligence Unit now. Cut a girl some slack.”

He could have punched himself square in the face right there for that moment of weakness and immaturity, if he wasn’t too busy _still_ tracing every contour of Hailey’s frame like she hung the moon.

But who wouldn’t?

The blonde detective was wearing an elegant, knee-length blue dress bringing out the vibrant color of her eyes, eyes studying him so intently _now_ like they knew every carefully hidden secret, every thought lingering just beneath the surface of those familiar, swirling shades of damaged blue. From the way she was suddenly peering into his soul, it almost appeared that Hailey _knew_ , even without him saying a single word.

Their eyes did most of the talking, anyway.

He found himself gulping nervously as the possibility entered his mind – a single second reaction, before his mask slipped back on again. The thought made him apprehensive and a bit scared too. That, coupled with the way said dress from before hugged her curves perfectly, completed by gentle, flawlessly styled wavy locks - a stark contrast to the usual, untamed, messy ones she liked to sport - nearly erased all words in his vocabulary.

He only stopped his shameless, enthralled watching and promptly returned to the realm of the living when the same lips he was unconsciously inching closer to with his own gaze turned upwards into a bashful smirk, signaling an anticipated change of topic.

“Peach?” – she asked, that mischievous, teasing glint in her eye betraying all the smartass comments she probably had lingering on her lips, despite not verbalizing a single one.

“What? I was feeling peachy.” – he sent a heart-melting, even wider than before grin in lieu of response and she couldn’t help but mirror his gesture, instinctively.

It was a genuine smile – he could tell. Round one goes to Jay Halstead.

If he could make that happen for the rest of the night, lift even a tenth of the burden he still felt her carrying quietly, almost modestly despite the evident hurt still present in her eyes, he’d die a happy man.

“Shall we?” – he proposed, extending his arm like a faux fairytale lord.

This time, Hailey answered with an unintended, but honest fit of heartfelt laughter. Her partner was a grown man and a man-child at the same time. As fate would have it, she happened to be a sucker for both.

If anything, she was falling harder and harder for every side of Jay Halstead with each passing second, allowing that familiar current she had fought against so hard for years to finally subdue her. She was pretty sure she had begun to steadily lose that battle the day he got shot and she saw her own life ending right there.

It could have even been earlier, she wasn’t sure. Maybe it all started when he trusted her the way no one else did, when he showed her support without expecting a single thing in return, when he said everything she needed to know without verbalizing a single word.

“Let’s go, Mr. Cheery.” – she replied, latching onto his arm tighter than she even realized.

She couldn’t silence that hopeless romantic in her head screaming –  _“this is the hand you want to hold for the rest of your life.”_

God, if anyone could hear her being _this_ cheesy and hopeless, she’d never hear the end of it.

“Uh-huh. Correction. “ – Jay intervened, bringing her back from La-la land in a flash whilst maintaining the same cheeky smile and flirty tone from before. This time, he also lifted his index finger for emphasis. “It’s Detective Cheery for you. Don’t let this peasant tie fool you, I still demand to be addressed accordingly.”

To any onlookers, the pair seemed to be soon-to-be newly-weds themselves, as they crossed the sidewalk to Jay’s parked car on the other side a little too slowly to be just casual, leaning into each other a little too close to be just friends, purposely dragging each step and wearing twin, lovesick smiles as they did.

It was their way of prolonging the sudden magic of the moment, blissfully unaware of their own actions.

“My lady.” – Jay said, opening the door for his partner with dramatic, exaggerated gestures like the gentleman he was. And he really was one – even with the faux bravado aside.

“Thank you.” – she answered, biting her bottom lip, quietly getting into the car and retreating into her own mind yet again. She wanted to go for something lighter like “ _Weddings make you weird, Jay.”_ but something inside her simply wouldn’t let her.

She knew what he was trying to do – cheer her up because she was still a gloomy, preoccupied mess. She didn’t think it was possible to love him even more than she already did but, judging by the way her heart thumped even louder than before, maybe it was entirely conceivable.

Even though they were both in a confined space yet again, the silence echoing back didn’t feel tension-ridden at all, instead engulfing them in familiarity and closeness – things they had both been craving for years and not even realizing just _how_ much.

Jay drove, softly and absentmindedly humming along to an old rock song playing on the radio, earning another genuine smile from his companion, lingering onto his profile a little too long to be just friendly.

She didn’t have the heart to stop him – she loved seeing him so carefree like that, knowing of his inner demons better than anyone else. That, and the sound of his voice made her feel at peace, for lack of a better term. It was the most _at ease_ she’s felt in a really, really long time.

It was about at this precise moment that she started steadily running out of excuses for the way her heart _ached_ when Jay sung a particularly high off-key note with the mannerisms of an opera singer, making eye-contact with her not a breath later, as if silently begging for praise and approval.

Like the man-child he was.

Jay was collecting smiles from her like it was his life’s mission - and she couldn’t shake any of them off no matter how hard she tried – and she really bloody did.

Maybe allowing someone in wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Maybe she wasn’t _unfixable_ , despite everything her father told her and did to her, despite the longest string of missed chances and half-relationships and half-everythings she’s had in life.

She wanted _so badly_ to believe that was the case but her mind was still stuck in the land of possibility, rather than certainty, her fears still dared to overpower everything else - a harsh contrast to the fearless, daring, courageous woman she displayed in the line of duty for the entire world to see, from the offenders to her own team.

Right now, however, she felt like the world’s biggest _coward_.

She wasn’t brave enough and maybe she’d never be. But _something_ about the way Jay was looking at her _now_ made that knowledge harder to live with than ever before.

It almost made her _want_ to be fixed.

If anyone was the man for the job, every impulse in her mind, body and soul unanimously chanted Jay Halstead's name, like a mantra.

But if that was the case, why did the words get stuck in her throat for the millionth time? If she had made progress, why couldn’t she move closer to him, why was she still playing with her hands on her lap to stop them from instinctively reaching to hold his?

Why did her entire body tremble when he placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her in and presenting her to the whole sea of chattering guests like he was introducing them to the 7th wonder of the world?

Why couldn’t she just… _say_ it?

She needed a drink. Or maybe twenty.


	3. Chapter 3

The vast, open space greeted the two detectives, as the indistinct chatter of even more police officers who didn’t quite look the part anymore filled the air. The delicate floral arrangements and the elegant, classy table design were completed by a matching, serene, even tranquill atmosphere, luring you in. For the most part, the room maintained an almost magic quiet, except for the light noises coming from mingling guests, a sharp contrast to the energy of the Chicago streets outside and an even sharper contrast to everything _thunderous_ surrounding Hailey right now. She tried to welcome the peaceful quiet, even wished for at least a tenth of this calming atmosphere to pass onto her.

It didn’t. She rejected it like a broken down magnet, like she wasn’t even capable of vibrating on the same wavelength.

It was bound to be a rather small ceremony, predictably so – Ruzek and Burgees weren’t big on the sparks and fireworks, they just ached for something simple, for a night when no one was plagued by their personal demons or the harsh realities of a city like Chicago, ruled by crime and tragedy every single moment of every single waking hour...

This confined space, however..? It vibrated with _hope,_ above everything else. At least for today. It was a long time coming. And Hailey would have done anything to believe in at least a fraction of it, to welcome it. She did – but only so long as it involved the happy couple or anyone else in this entire room _but_ herself.

Maybe her father really _did_ do a number on her. Because no matter how many things she accomplished, professionally or personally, she still didn’t feel worthy of love. Worthy of any of this – the flowers, the music, the…effort.

And Hailey’s previous sentiments only intensified when Jay politely offered to get her a drink, before leaving her to it to chat with the aforementioned happy, even glowing couple. She would be lying to say she didn’t miss his presence almost immediately, even if it only took him 5 minutes to return, with a dorky, much too bright smile plastered on his face.

 _He_ was making an effort. For her. She never knew what to do about that particular knowledge.

“Girly champagne, courtesy of Ruzek.” – he announced, jokingly, before passing her a glass with a very practiced, gentleman move. It wasn’t lost on him that Hailey downed pretty much the entire contents of it in a flash.

“Thanks, Jay..” – she answered, absentmindedly, still with a heavy heart that matched the even heavier sigh taking over her lips.

He could tell she was still out of it. He didn’t know that what she needed to drown was precisely what was keeping him afloat now.

 _She_ was running for the hills. _He_ was facing every single one of them.

“Hey, I heard that.” – the happy groom made his presence known, fixing his collar in an exaggerated, dorky manner, before patting Jay on the back. “I’ll have you know this champagne is anything _but_ girly, Halstead. You won’t be able to hold your liquor by the third one.”

“Try me.” – Jay taunted, smugly.

“Really, you think you can steal my thunder on my wedding day? Game on.” – Ruzek bit back, no trace of fire, just light banter – he was saving _that_ for the vows. Still didn’t mean he’d back off from a dare. Just wasn’t in his DNA.

Hailey smiled lovingly at her… _two boys_. Scratch that – her two _men_. Because they have grown so much these past years, more than anyone else she knew. They had both become what she always knew they could be, maybe even more. She loved them both so much - even if in vastly different ways. And their little challenge only made them look even more like brothers to her, reminding her again of the family she never had.

She needed a second drink. She was just about to get it when the cheery groom turned to her.

“Looking good, Hailey.” – Adam greeted her, politely, bowing just a little, and she smiled back, weakly. She knew by his gaze that Adam could, most definitely, see right through her. He didn’t say a thing – it wasn’t the time or place. Still didn’t mean Ruzek wasn’t worried, too.

Not only were these two the most important two men in her life, they were also the only ones who got close enough to her to read her every gesture like no one else could. Because she _let_ them.

“Thanks, Ruz. You don’t look too shabby yourself.”

However, what Hailey was blissfully unaware of since walking in here was Jay’s look following her every action, move or mannerism like a magnet. He even paid attention to what she said...when she didn't say anything.

What she didn’t know or, most accurately put, could never get herself to believe in a million years was that someone else's worry for her wellbeing eclipsed even Adam's, by a long-shot. It was in an entirely different league. A league of its own.

It could never match Jay's. On any scale ever conceived.

Adam’s concern could never hold a match to the crushing weight currently pushing on Jay’s chest. It appeared that nothing he did seemed to cheer her up. It was almost like being in this place somehow made it _worse_ for her.

His assumptions, however, were only slightly accurate – Hailey wasn’t out of it because of the happy couples everywhere, the calming, pleasant music playing softly in the background, the elegant flowers or even because of seeing an approaching Kim looking like an angel, greeted by a Ruzek who could have fainted on the spot...

No. Hailey wasn’t out of it because she ached for Adam to look at her like that. Or because she was hung up on him or..them. Quite the contrary - the only time she smiled, genuinely, was when they all sat down and the ceremony began.

Because she had let go of Adam a long, long time ago. No, her current gloom and doom was caused by a vastly different reason. One that had everything to do with the newly-weds’ vows.

And not even Jay offering her quiet, unspoken support over the course of this entire blessed event managed to erase the clouds of doubt and sheer sadness looming over her. A sadness only he noticed because, to the rest of the world, her practiced smile was enough of a cover-up to keep the intrusive questions at bay. To the rest of the world, she was _whole._

Not even him being her rock, like always, like he’s proven he can be since the very first day or even a perfect gentleman to her all night, making his dumb jokes she loved so much, inviting her for a silly dance and taking her breath away every single time their fingers as much as brushed each other casually could erase the memories of.. _those_ words from her mind.

Because the entire mass of chattering guests disappeared when they were spoken.  She couldn’t tell a single contour apart. Not even one of the once familiar faces and features of her Intelligence Unit _“family”_ came through clearly for her. It felt like everything went blank and the only thing that still dared to stand tall was the echo of those vows ringing in her head...

Again and again and again.

Because it was all she could hear right now. They were even louder than Jay’s worried, pleading gaze boring into her own, as if he was silently was begging her to just let him _help_ , even if she suspected he had no idea what help he was offering or what help she even needed.

They were even louder than that brief flash of hurt that passed onto his eyes when she didn’t even react to his touch for the millionth time. Still didn’t mean that his hurt wasn’t physically passing onto her, too.  She couldn’t hold his hand back.

She wanted to.

Those words were steadily ravaging her. And not because there was anything wrong with them. Not even because they came from the lips of her former lover. No, the reason was much simpler than that.

They destroyed her because all she wanted was to say even a _tenth_ of that to Jay, to this wonderful man still holding her hand with a feather-light grasp, as if silently saying _“I won't let go unless you want me to. Just say the word.”_

She could have fallen apart right there.

Because not even the half-drunk 5th glass of champagne she was clutching in her hand with an iron grip or Jay’s absent, yet still tender touch of her waist was enough to erase everything still screaming in her mind. The fact that he retreated his hand like it was burning, thinking he had no right to touch her in any way, shape or form only made the ache worse.

She couldn’t get their vows out of her head.

She couldn’t get _those_ words out of her head.

She couldn’t get _him_ out of her head.

Because he deserved to hear that from _her._

Even more than that. He deserved everything and she couldn’t give him _anything_. It felt like, the more she listened, the more she lost her own voice, like she never even had it in the first place.

“It’s a…it’s an honor to have you all here today.” – Adam began, rubbing the back of his neck, nervously, an anxious tick of his Hailey knew all too well. The blonde detective never thought she’d see the day when the cheeky player with a heart of gold would lose his nerve. But he _was_ stuttering. “At first, we thought we needed that big wedding, you know, sparks and fireworks and a million guests but…it turned out, what we really needed was to do this with family. And everyone in this room, here, right now, is family to us.”

“You guys have been here for us since day one, back when I was trying to prove myself worthy of Intelligence.” – Kim added, glancing in the direction of an approving, smiling Voight – least his _still_ stoic version of a smile. “I think I’ve been doing a lot of that along the years, trying to prove myself worthy when uh…someone always saw that in me. Someone always believed in me and I was so scared of that.”

Hailey drunk the last remains of her champagne faster than the speed of light, the liquid burning every inch of her as it made its way down, her hold on the glass turning more fragile, shakier. Jay noticed everything. He was gazing at the newly-weds but his heart was in sync with her every emotion.

Kim turned towards Adam and the entire energy in the room switched, elevated even. There was not a single stoic, usually unimpressed, professional police officer’s face that didn’t bear the slightest hint of emotion now. There _was_ hope in this room, alright.

There was also pure, unadulterated love.

Everyone should have that. Everyone should at least be lucky enough to witness it.

“You made me break all the rules, Adam, since the moment we met. And no matter how many people I tried to run to, at the end of the day, I always came back to you. And I don’t think I even realized or understood why I did it, for the longest time. Because I had to let you go a million times over to realize you’re the one that makes me whole. And maybe I could live without you, I did, for years…But I don’t want to. I want the rest of our lives to start today. I love you.”

“You’ve always been so…unavoidable to me, Kim. And everyone saw it. Everyone told me and I didn’t want to listen. But deep down, I believed it. Even when it seemed like you gave up on us or I gave up on us, I think, on some level, neither of us did. Because we couldn’t. What we have is not something you can fight. You can try but it won’t get you anywhere. This is why we are here tonight and this is why I decided not to torture you with my peach shirt in front of everybody…even if I know you secretly like it. I love you, Kim.”

The entire room chuckled then clapped in unison as the newly-weds kissed passionately. The background noise was completed (not so gracefully) by some loud whistles from two overly-enthusiastic members of the Intelligence Unit - Atwater and Antonio, to be specific. Adam only briefly faced the sources of those interrupting, teasing, but nonetheless approving noises, rolling his eyes, before he returned to his… _wife._ It was the only sight he really wanted to focus on tonight.

“Now that you’ve gone through the torture of seeing us get cheesy, you deserve a reward. Drinks and food are on us. We’re sorry in advance but the music is non-negotiable. Find some way to dance to our jams, we don’t care—“

Kim kissed Adam loudly on the lips to shut him up. And, as much of a smartass as he was, if she did that for the entire night, he wouldn’t say a single word ever again. For the rest of his life, even.

“What…. _my husband_ is meaning to say right now is…enjoy yourselves, guys. Thank you for coming and supporting us and sharing this with us, it means the world.”

 _Husband_ …yeah, Adam liked the sound of that too much to act like an obnoxious jackass. Least for one night, that is. So, he settled for grabbing Kim smoothly by the waist, initiating the first dance of the night. Kim was the only one who knew he even took dance lessons just for the occasion. It only made her love him more. It was also a cue for everyone else to follow suit and, most couples in the room did.

Hailey, on the other hand…

She was the first to run for the door with an urgency and desperation like no other, like being in this room for one more second would knock all the air out of her lungs. Conveniently so, it was precisely the excuse she used - _"I'm gonna go get some air"._ And it sounded believable to (almost) everyone.

As soon as the deafening noise and the buzzing in her ears settled just enough for her to move, she was out the door. Direction? Unknown.

Kim and Adam’s beach house had a swingset outside - it gave her an idea and it would have to do. Mostly because it was quiet. Peaceful. It seemed like the perfect place to gather her thoughts, so she sat down, sighing heavily. The faint echoes from the slow, romantic music playing inside could still be heard. But she couldn’t make up a single note or even lyric.

Because _those_ words wouldn’t dare to leave her. They were the most clear echo she still had, one that dared to haunt her, even taunt her obsessively, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

_No matter how many people I tried to run to, at the end of the day, I always came back to you._

She didn’t even realize her eyes were turning wetter, making every shade of tortured blue in them stand out even more. But someone _else_ noticed – and it was an equally heart-melting and heart-crushing sight. Someone who was gradually filling every space in her peripheral version.

She looked more beautiful to Jay in that moment than he’s _ever_ remembered her being. And she was always beautiful to him, even when she didn't see it or believe it herself.

That same someone from before was now towering over the dazed blonde detective, his shadow slowly but surely bringing her out of her trance. His much larger, taller frame by sheer force of contrast if nothing else was still anything _but_ threatening. It was inviting, comforting even, just like everything about him.

That absent, brief touch on her shoulder sent a shiver down her spine. And it wasn’t long before a jacket was being draped over those same, even shakier shoulders now.

It anchored her immediately. A welcome sensation she didn’t even realize she craved and how much. Maybe because it also came with a soft, vibrant smile attached to it, one that wasn’t demanding _anything_ from her for the millionth time.

He _never_ demanded anything from her..

…when the entire world did, taking whatever it desired again and again without even bothering to ask.

 _He_ wasn’t asking for anything. Nothing she didn’t _want_ to give, willingly.

…when the entire world took everything from her, one piece at a time until it left her into this shadow of a woman who was scared, above everything else that she was _unfit_ to love.

She couldn’t _love_ him. Not the way he _deserved_ to be loved.

But she would do it in her flawed way, with her last breath. If only she could get her body or her voice or her spoken words to agree with her mind.

“Penny for your thoughts?” – Jay asked, filling the monumental quiet in his characteristic, considerate manner. It was exactly what the blonde detective expected from him.

He was unconsciously playing with his ridiculously bright peach tie and, if her numb muscles weren’t so stubborn and unresponsive right now, she _would_ have laughed. She couldn’t help but look at that silly accessory then back to him – she didn’t know which one was brighter.

What she also didn’t know was how that simple sight made a _real_ smile settle on her every feature, unconsciously, giving her a heavenly glow that almost made Jay backpedal and lose his train of thought right there. Because he noticed. He paid attention. 

And he took it as a much-needed cue to continue, still treading lightly. The last thing he wanted was to spook her off.

“I uh…didn’t want you to get cold.” – he explained his previous gesture sheepishly, eye-ing the twin swingset next to her hesitantly. She wanted him to sit down. She wanted him to _never_ leave. “I’d be a terrible plus one if I let you go home with a sneeze, you know.”

As expected, no words came out, just a strained smile and a hushed _“thanks”_  from the lips he was currently staring at, one that was too meaningful for her to be talking about that jacket only. That same jacket who smelled so much like him it made her lightheaded. Only difference? She could clutch the jacket closer to her frame, breathe it in, let it warm her, maybe even fix her.

She couldn’t show that same courtesy to the wonderful man standing in front of her now.

Only one of the many reasons why she didn’t deserve Jay Halstead. Nevertheless, he sat down even without an explicit invitation from her, looking at his much too fancy shoes before allowing a soft, yet still uncertain gaze to fall upon her, again.

He looked nervous. And it was one of the shades she loved most on him.

“I was joking before, Hailey, you don’t have to say anything to me. I’ll uh…I’ll leave you to it, if that’s what you want.” – he added, more quietly than before. He couldn’t have masked that resignation in his words even if he practiced a million times in the mirror, even if he rehearsed every gesture or vocal inflection.

And maybe it was precisely _that_ which finally drove Hailey to speak – her fear of him leaving. Maybe her voice was returning to her, after all.

“I’m sorry, Jay.” – she whispered, still clutching that empty champagne glass in her hands like a lifeline. “For everything…I…” – she choked even more, the words almost dying on her lips.

“It’s not you.”

Almost.

_Not in the way you think._

“I just…I had a lot on my mind tonight. You make a pretty decent plus–one, for the record.” – Hailey loosened her grip on that glass just enough to nervously stare back at him. “Not a bad dancer, either. Though you did step on my toes a few times.”

His bright smile could have warmed the coldest heart in the world. It certainly did that to hers.

“Sorry about that. Should’ve joined Ruzek on those dance lessons, huh?” – he rubbed the back of his neck, apologetically, before his entire energy began to switch, almost dramatically. He wasn’t letting go – in every single understanding of the phrase.

"I know we don’t do talking, Hailey and you know I respect that.” – he cleared his throat then began to talk again, with an almost _extreme_ caution this time, still fumbling with that tie unconsciously. “But if this is about Adam, you don’t have to pretend it’s not hurting you, not with me.”

Hailey lifted her gaze off the floor just in time to see Jay’s worried look on her once again, blended with _something else_ lingering below the surface. Her glance then fell down to his hands motioning between them, punctuating his words.

“ _We_ don’t do that.”

_We._

“You don’t have to act like you’re made of steel every day. I already know you are. Seen you pack a mean punch, escape kidnapping, take a blade to the leg and bounce back like nothing happened…” – he joked, pulling another strained, but genuine smile from Hailey. One that was now filled with even more meaning and unspoken words – of her own, this time.

The vows were still somewhere in the back of her mind, but they were now mixed with her own, less elegantly expressed but still meaningful thoughts. It was only fitting that this part would echo in her head now, of all times.

_What we have is not something you can fight. You can try but it won’t get you anywhere._

“So you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, especially to me. You don’t need to prove that you can handle _this_ , too.” 

And with that, Jay threw all caution to the wind. In one swift motion, he found himself kneeling in front of Hailey, taking that now forgotten glass of champagne from her hands gently and setting it down on the floor. The item that was her lifeline just a few minutes ago was gradually losing any and all importance. It was in the furthest corner of her mind right now. It didn't matter at all anymore.

“We’re partners, partners don’t lie to each other.” – his voice came out so calming and reassuring she fell apart even more. Because that’s what Jay has always been to her – a partner, a home, a haven, a solace, a place to come to when the world got too _dark_ and _scary._

Even for someone with her acquired level of tolerance to all horrors of the world.

 _He_ was her light. And she was seeing it so much clearer now when he was lighting up everything in _her_. The contrast he created was so blinding it only made her eyes turn wetter. She wanted to take a step back.

She couldn’t. She was glued to that swingset and the sight before her like it would physically hurt to move even an inch away.

“Come here.” 

That was the last thing she heard before she felt Jay’s arms around her, steadying her, holding her like he was the only one in the world who knew just how fragile she was or how much she needed it.

She _was_ tough, she _was_ made of steel, like this beautiful man whose frame she was clutching stronger than she even realized graciously put it. She _could_ handle everything from gunshot wounds to kidnapping to all types of physical and emotional pain, compartmentalize everything and maintain flawless composure because she needed to save lives, because _other_ people came first. So could he. Maybe even more graciously than her.

_And maybe I could live without you, I did, for years…_

And maybe they didn’t _need_ each other. Maybe they could deal just fine on their own, without help, without leaning on each other at all..

But if that were true, how come they were so much stronger…. _together?_ How come every single time she needed him, he was always there, sheltering her in more ways than one, whether it was a joke, a silly dance, a much to bright tie he knew she’d find amusing, an unspoken promise dancing in his eyes, a shoulder to cry on, even a lifeline…

_But I don’t want to._

How come he was still _everything_ to her? He could have walked away tonight. He could have still been inside, dancing to the excessively sappy, lovey-dovey songs Ruzek was dead-set on playing. He could have reminisced with the rest of the Intelligence Unit, told war stories. Hell, he could have charmed one of the dozen female detectives inside – it wouldn’t have been hard at all.

Yet he was _here._ Of all places, he chose to be here. He _alway_ s made that choice.

_No matter how many people I tried to run to, at the end of the day, I always came back to you._

And maybe it was those words still ringing in her head that gave her a shot of bravery she hasn’t had in ages, not unless she was on the physical battlefield. She could deal with a tornado of gunshots and violence and drugs.

The metaphorical battlefield was the one that always managed to pin her down. Maybe not anymore.

So, when Jay let go of her frame, whispering a heavy _“It’s alright”_ in her ear, his eyes suddenly turning a few shades darker, with no trace of anything other than warmth and home in them, the words just flew out of her mouth, before she could even stop to process them.

Or, as the saying goes – _“speak now or forever hold your peace.”_

“It’s not Adam, Jay…it’s never been Adam.”

She had held her peace.

It was time to speak.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was an honor to have you guys on board. Thank you so much for reading. I will write more for this pair because I happen to love them. But this felt like the right end for this story. :)

_It’s not Adam, Jay…it’s never been Adam._

Jay blinked once or twice in confusion, taking a mental and physical step back, the echo of those words and the tortured voice that said them still swirling in his brain. On impulse and maybe driven by a touch of sheer panic, Hailey grabbed his elbow almost aggressively, holding him in place. For once, she didn’t have the strength or the willpower to fight against the inevitable. She was all out of energy. Instead, a different kind of energy woke in her - to hold on, in all understandings of the phrase. She didn't have it in her to let go.

More specifically - let _him_ go. From now on, she would never.

“Please don’t go.” – she whimpered, her voice trembling with every word. She didn’t notice how glassy her eyes were becoming or how much she was shaking…but Jay did.

Which was why he didn’t move a single inch. Instead, he flashed a comforting, reassuring smile, letting his gestures speak his truth, no words needed - he wasn’t going anywhere. There was nowhere else he needed to be more than right here, right now, by her side. He wordlessly took hold of her hand, tracing lazy circles on it, soothing her without a single spoken syllable in his characteristic manner, silently encouraging her, even urging her to continue.

He would listen. He listened even when she had no words to give.

“I’m sorry…I’m not…I’m not good with words. I’ve never been.” – she sighed, heavily, letting out a choked, stifled noise between a laugh and a sob.

“Words are overrated.” – he countered, calmly, a quirky smile just below the surface, completed by that familiar, teasing glint in his eye.

Her heart did somersaults right there. She felt faint, almost numb, as a different kind of fire spread through her every tissue. It was stronger than any fear. For once, it was stronger and louder than anything, any clashing thoughts still raging chaos in every inch of her brain.

“Maybe they are…and maybe we don’t need them but…” – she faltered, gulping nervously, clutching Jay’s jacket still draped over her shoulders closer to her chest, unconsciously. “You still deserve them, Jay. You always have. You deserve all the words I never gave you, you deserve better words than I could _ever_ give you --”

_You deserve better than me._

“Hailey….”

“But I…I’d still like to try.” – she whispered, deadest in her resolve, despite the breathy, shaky sound of her voice. She lifted herself off that swing set in one swift motion, before inching closer to Jay, her breathing turning even more ragged now. She looked up and, for a single moment, that calming mass of blue staring right back at her reminding her of peaceful ocean waves temporarily balanced the furious tide in her.

It’s what he always did. The sight made her nearly backpedal, creating a small dent in her resolve. Not because he wasn’t soothing her, as always, but because she wasn’t used to that something _else_ that she found there now.

 _That_ look…on her. She recognized it, maybe she's seen it before but never like this, not on this level. There was nothing but sheer love and adoration there, flickering more and more as his eyes darkened. She had no idea her blue orbs matched every emotion in his to a T.

By this point, Jay was starting to suspect she knew, too. He was only halfway correct. Because, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Hailey still found it so hard to believe she was worthy...of anything more than partnership from him. 

Which was why she hesitated again, cursing herself as her eyes shifted away, until she felt Jay’s soft touch on her cheek, catching a single tear with the back of his thumb that she didn’t even realize had begun to fall.

She didn’t feel it. She only felt him.

“You don’t have to say anything to me, Hailey…”

Maybe she didn’t. But more than any other time, she wanted to, needed to. More than any other day, she was glued to that breathtaking sight before her, anchoring her. And no matter how much a small part of her still wanted to run for the hills, no muscle in her body would carry her away from here.

She’d die before she took a single step from him ever again. Because if the vows made her realize another thing, it was that this, right here, right now was where she belonged.

When she never belonged anywhere.

“No, I…I want to.”  - she smiled weakly, feeling her knees buckle under the weight of that hooded, warm gaze filled with everything she’s ever wanted from someone – love, lust, comfort, unspoken promises, support and… _forever_.

He always made her weak. But right now, it was a welcome weakness – because he was the one person she didn’t need to constantly be strong around, the one person in the world who wasn’t demanding anything, the one person who knew of her walls and didn't mind seeing them fall down. He would welcome every version of her with open arms. For that reason alone, he deserved everything. And she wanted to be the one to give it to him.

“I love you, Jay.”

As the words finally poured out of her, it felt like this giant load that’s been pushing down her chest had fallen all at once, leaving nothing but ashes of her former self behind, setting her free. Like a bird that’s been locked up in a cage for years, she was finally free...and ready to fly. And even if she wasn’t sure how to, she wasn’t afraid to try. Because if she stumbled, she knew she had someone to catch her, if she fell down, she knew she had someone to pick her up, patch her together, fix her.

He was the only person in the world who knew how to.

“More than I ever loved anyone…I always have.” – she added, ducking her head, catching sight of that much too bright tie Jay was wearing…for _her_. She was too busy feeling her chest lighter than it’s been in years to even process when and how her trembling fingers reached out to touch it in quiet, unspoken wonder, fumbling with the material. “Even when you’re wearing this…”

The hearty, genuine laughter that followed traveling from Jay’s broad chest, reverberating against her hand made her smile goofily all the same. Jay’s head dropping, nuzzling against her shoulder just a little could have made her knees give out right there, if it wasn’t for a strong hand resting on her waist, running circles in up and down motions, still hesitantly asking for approval. 

And when his gaze shot back up, looking at her in all the ways she’s ever wanted someone to… _again_ , she almost lost her voice. But she had to woman the hell up – she still had so much left to say.

“And I’ve been so scared to say anything…not because I don’t trust you, you’re my partner and I trust you with my life, you have to know that. I just…I don’t trust myself.” – she added, taking a single step back from Jay, trying to ignore that familiar flash of hurt in his eyes.

And failing. She never once intended to cause it but she’s seen it before. She was seeing it even clearer now…she’s seen it all night.

She ached to replace it with something else, to be the one person who could make his hurt go away, all the same. She meant it - she'd love him with her last breath, if he let her, in her clumsy, unpracticed, flawed way.

“Because this right here…” – she motioned between them with her right hand, then cleared her throat, urging that noose around her neck to loosen its grip just a little so she could finally speak…but Jay’s previous wounded look made it hard to even _breathe_ now. “You…it’s…it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

_I don’t deserve you._

“And I ruin everything good that ever happens to me. I care about you too much to ever jeopardize that. So I…I just wanted to be honest with you. But you don’t have to say anything to that, Jay, you don’t owe me anything, you never have---“

“Course I do.” – Jay whispered, pulling her out of her trance with a gentle touch on her cheek. She hadn’t realized how hard she’s been staring at her black heels like they were the most fascinating sight in the world, or Jay following her every move, waiting for the right moment to say his piece, too, until he titled her chin gently towards him.

“You still don’t see it, do you?” – he probed, cautiously. The last thing he wanted was to scare Hailey off – not when he got her this far. “Everything you’ve done for me. Everything you do for everyone.”

The fact that she still looked down, bashfully and dismissively, hearing the words but not quite believing any of them only made his resolve stronger. He’d make her listen, if he had no other choice. She had to listen. She had to know there was one person who saw the world in her, even when all she saw when she looked in the mirror was  _"not good enough", "not worthy", "unfixable", "unlovable."_

It was so far away from what _he_ was seeing now.

“Because that’s who you are, Hailey. You give everything to everyone and there’s never anything left for you…is there?”

“We have a job, Jay, it’s to be expected—“

“I know..I know…but you’re also more than your job title, Hailey, you’re so much more than you know, you’re….” – he exhaled, heavily. “You’re… _everything_. And maybe you don’t believe me, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Jay---“

“You’re everything….” – he added, his voice a quiet, soft murmur against her lips now. “To me.”

“Jay….you don’t have to…humor me or anything—“

“Who’s laughing?” – he asked, brushing his fingers across her cheek again before lovingly tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Her breath hitched in her throat right there, but she had no time to learn how to breathe normally again.

Jay’s lips were already on hers.

It started slow, just a tentative, exploring brush of lips before she crashed and burned, allowing the fire he set in her years ago to set her ablaze now - mind, body and soul. She let go…in more ways than one. With a passion and drive she never knew she had, she wrapped her arms around his neck the same moment he gripped her waist, melting into him, holding him in place almost aggressively. When he matched her harsh, almost desperate movements with slower ones of his own, she settled – it was his way of letting her know he wasn’t going anywhere. She got the message, this time smiling against his lips as she tilted her head to the side, welcoming him even more.

He was smiling too. And when her fingers brushed across that ridiculously bright tie yet again, like a soft caress if nothing else, as she sighed against his lips, he realized another thing – it was his favorite piece of clothing now.

When they broke apart, still smiling like a pair of love-struck teenagers, as their foreheads rested together, linked just like they were now, and their syncronized breathing slowly came to normal, they were snapped out of their daze by a loud, approving whistle.

“About time, you two. Stealing my thunder, ah, Halstead?”

“Well someone has to.”

The groom gave them a happy thumbs up sign from the house and an all-knowing smirk, before he retreated, clearly satisfied with himself.

Hailey was too spellbound to even process the teasing exchange between her two... boys? Men? It was hard to tell sometimes. And when Jay planted another loving, slow kiss on her lips, her heart skipped a beat.

“I love you, too.”

His words took every breath from her, causing her already erratic heartbeats to increase in tempo even more.

“Y-yeah?”

“Seriously, Hailey, I could _not_ have made it more obvious—“

That earned Jay a much-deserved punch in the shoulder, as his blonde partner smiled with the intensity of a thousand suns. He matched her light tenfold.

“So….can I have another dance now?” – he asked, bowing slightly and extending his hand, like the gentleman he was.

“You can have any dance you want…if you pay for the hospital visits afterwards. Because, just to be clear, Jay, you _will_ step on my toes, I just know it—“

“Don’t I always?” – he smirked, receiving a playful kick to his side, this time. “Okay, okay, that was the last one, I swear.”

When Hailey looked at him again like he was a real-life angel sent to her and her only, she realized another thing – she wanted to bicker with this silly man child for the rest of her life, too.

And maybe, just now, they said  _their_ vows. Because this, right here, was the start of a new life together, away from the hurt and pain or even the rest of the world. No one could grasp or understand what they had, what had always been there, burried underneath the surface. As long as they had  _their_  world, what anyone else thought wasn't anywhere near important.

Nothing else mattered but this moment. And the dozen more that were to follow in the future - another walk down the aisle, a new life brought into the world, a graduation...

“So….where do we go from here..?”

Jay grabbed her hand, laying a single, lingering kiss there, silencing the uncertainty he still felt and saw in her. 

“Anywhere you want. Wherever you go, I follow. As long as you’ll have me.”

“How does forever sound?”

Under normal circumstances, that word alone would have been enough to make Hailey bolt to the other side of the planet. But something about the way Jay was peering into her soul now, something about the way he was cradling her face, still wiping her tears changed every meaning she ever attributed to that word.

Forever was no longer something she rejected, didn’t believe in or dismissed. It was possibility now, certainty even, it was exciting, filled with promises of more,  _better_ – what they both deserved all along.

“You sure you wanna be stuck with me that long?”

And maybe it was still monumental, but it didn’t feel scary anymore. It didn’t feel laden with doubt or insecurity. Because nothing else lingered in the air at this precise moment but sheer love, matching, maybe even surpassing the atmosphere inside now…

Only difference? This was _theirs._

“Course I do.”

Forever was now.

And forever never sounded better.

* * *

**FIN.**


End file.
